PSS: I'm Sorry...

Shane asked up to write an apology letter to someone we wronged in the past… I have started this letter a few times now and was having a hard time figuring out what exactly to write. I thought about apologizing to my ex-husband, my ex-boyfriend, and even to the wife of someone I dated for a while… but after thinking about it, I think the way I finished my letter is the best way I could have done it.

Dear self,
I am writing you a letter to apologize. I have done some things to you in the past that at the time seemed like a good idea but come to find out they really weren’t.

I am sorry that I put as much effort into the relationship with my dad as I did. It’s still hard to imagine that someone wouldn’t want their own child. I pushed and pushed to try to make my place in his life, but it was a wasted effort. That put us through so much heartache. Finally when I let all that go, I was able to accept my step-father as my dad.

I am sorry that I got married when I did (the first time). I think I was in love with the idea of being loved and maybe not in as much love as I thought I was. I married someone who had completely different beliefs…In God… and although not practicing, it still made it difficult for me to raise my family the way I wanted. The pressure from his family was something hard to deal with. In a relationship… we ended up being roommates with someone who was my spouse. We ended up leading very separate lives in the end. Things happened that I couldn’t forgive or get past. I am sorry that I let the problems go on as long as I did… I know at the time I thought I needed to stick around for the kids. Only later to find out that it was a happier enviroment later on.

Now being married to Bryan and seeing him interact with the kids, I am sorry I pushed my ex-husband was much as I did to be a father. I should have learned from all the crap I went through with my dad, but at the time all I wanted was for them to have a male role model in their lives. Again, it blows my mind how someone wouldn’t want to spend as much time as possible with their own children, but I’ve learned it’s not something I can make someone do. Sometime in the past 10 months I have found that I don’t have try to talk someone into being a dad and have had it proven again that you don’t have to be a Father to be a Dad.

Self, I am sorry that I jumped into a relationship right after my marriage. Part of me is sorry for ruining a really good friendship, but more so I am sorry for being in a relationship with someone who was terrified of commitment. I should have seen it up front. I should have listened to those who told me more about the real side of him. I am sorry that I didn’t realize how self-centered that person ended up being. I am sorry I gave everything I had in me to make that relationship work.

I am sorry that I continued to see a guy even after I found out he was unavailable. I was so hurt from my previous relationships that I wanted someone that I couldn’t fall for, that way I wouldn’t get my heart crushed. It’s not something I am proud of and it’s not something I would ever do again.

Dear self, I learned a lot from the past. I feel I am a better person for what I have been through. I know exactly what it is I want (and deserve) from a relationship. I am sorry that I put a distance between us and God due to the people I had in my life. I apologize because my decisions put us though a lot of tears, frustration, and sadness… but hindsight is 20/20 and I can’t say I regret my past, but I can now say I am sorry for all the bad stuff we have been through to get to where we are today. We are a better person for it all happening as it did and can go forward leading a better life.