Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Father vs Dad

Back in July, before we went to the DR on our short term missions trip; I got a Facebook friend request from someone with a familiar last name, but I didn't know who it was as the profile picture was of a dog. This last name is my maiden name… a name I haven’t associated with for a long time. A name that broke my heart over and over again in the past twenty years; however I was curious. I wanted to see who it was, what they wanted, and why they were friending me.

I accepted the friend request with the idea that I could unfriend them as easily as I friended them. I was poking around and figured out my father had remarried and this was his current (4th?!) wife. They currently live in NV and have been married for almost 8 years. Considering that I haven’t talked to him in 11, this was news to me.

She private messaged me… told me about herself, her life, my father, etc. Told me how he’s changed, he’s repented and now follows Christ. She “liked” just about every picture I posted. Seemed like a nice lady, but I was still on edge, which I felt like I had a right to be.

Fast forward until last week…  I got a friend request from a very familiar name, my father. I sat on it for a few days without replying. I wasn't sure that I wanted to open that can of worms. As I've mentioned, my past has a lot of heart ache that was caused by him. I've come along way with the help of Jesus in terms of forgiving; however I don’t feel that I could forget. I've freed myself in forgiveness, but I am not going to stupidly put myself into that situation again to relive it. So a few days went on… and he private messages me. I replied back with a nice, but blunt email. I laid it all out on the line, what did I have to lose? I didn't sugarcoat anything about how I felt; however told him I would be willing  to try to have a relationship with him, to be his friend.

Within a few hours I got a reply and he went off the handle. Basically telling me to take a hike and I could take baby-steps to his grave. Exact same behavior from the last time I talked to him… or rather, he talked to my answering machine… screaming at me, calling me names, and saying he was moving out of state.

Why would I subject myself to that? Why would I allow him to come into my live and get to know my kids when things really haven’t changed and subject them to that? He questioned my Christianity, which really pissed me off. Don’t throw bible verses at me about forgiveness when you act this way when things don’t go your way. I thought allowing him to be my friend was a good step b/c he can’t just jump back in my life and be my dad. It doesn't work that way. You've got to earn trust.

It’s been a rough road… I've felt abandoned, neglected, hurt. I think I hide it well most of the time, but looking back I see that some of my past with men I've acted poorly b/c of that. The one thing I am thankful for is my step-dad who stepped up when my daughter was born and has really filled the shoes of a father figure and grandpa. I can’t imagine my life without him in it, although it’s taken a lot to get us where we are today. Now he is one of my best friends… a father to my husband as well. He has taken such good care of my mom with everything she’s gone through. He is what a dad is supposed to be.

So for now… I unfriended them both. I don’t want to deal with that drama. I know I am good person; I love Jesus, and I know that none of this is my fault. We’ll see how the future plays out, but for now I am good with where I am in my life. I am loved by God, the ultimate father/dad, and that's all that really matters anyway.