I think for a long time, my goal in life was to keep the peace. To not ruffle feathers, to not stir the pot, to not
::: fill in the blank ::: to make people more comfortable.
Recently, I have some communication from people of my past and I just put on a smile and say "Oh, things are great... please stay in touch". When I really just want to say, "Our relationship was a chapter in my life that I've moved on from. Thanks for what you've taught me" and walk away.
I've had some hurtful situations in the last while... some people stabbed me in the back when I thought they were my friends, some people threw me under the bus when it was convenient for them. Turned stories around to make them look better when I had no idea what they were talking about. I've heard what a terrible person I am, that I am not trustworthy, and that I am two-faced and no one likes me. I have also been told that I am a fake Christian. Really?!
Let me tell you, those words shook me to the core although I just accepted it at the time because I didn't want the confrontation I really wanted to give them a piece of my mind. I know I am not all those horrible things... I know (now) that the person who used all those words did it to better themselves in the eyes of someone influential. People do/say funny things when they are threatened or feel like they are forgotten. Do I approve of that behavior? No, but I kind of understand why it could be done.
So to set the record straight... I am a hard worker. I am truthful and honest although I will not sugarcoat things to make a situation more tolerable. I do tend just not say anything and maybe I should stand up for myself more. I will not be over the top friendly to make people comfortable and if that comes across as being rude, then I am sorry. It's not my style to talk badly about someone behind their back, so if you hear something that I supposedly said, then ask me about it. I will not change who I am to make you feel better about yourself. I will not lie to make me look better. If I make a mistake, I'll own up to it and give reasons why I did what I did. Yes, my love of Jesus is genuine... I do go on missions trips to serve the less fortunate... and I am an arm-raising-singing-at-the-top-of-my-voice person that you'll find at church usually three times a week. I may not be perfect, but I am loved by a perfect God!
I am glad that I have moved out of what turned into a toxic environment into something that I feel myself flourish in. My self-esteem is getting back to where it should be, my smile is real, I may not know everything and I am ok with that because I have people around me who are willing to take me under their wing and teach me.
I thank God for opening doors to new opportunities. Even with closed doors, I am thankful for the situations of my past because I have learned much... but I am even more thankful to be out of certain situations and standing where I am today.
These feelings have been coming at me for a little while now and writing it out for the blogging world does make me feel better. I hope that this is a way to free me from how I've been feeling so I can really feel like I've moved on with my life.
Rambling complete. The End.
