Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Giving It To God - My Testimony

I have a friend on Facebook who I read his status updates and my heart breaks for him. He so desperatly wants to be in a relationship with someone and it doesn't sound like this person has the same interest. I can tell his hope, his despair, his anxiety... and it reminds me of a place that I was at a few years ago.

In 2005 I got divorced from my husband of 7 years. I had two small children, a good job, and a house of my own. I started dating someone who had been a good friend of mine... things clicked, we had future plans, we were together all the time, etc... and the bottom fell out of that relationship. It made me think more about my dad leaving us and never turning back. I felt like something was wrong with me for all these relationships not to work out.

I was devistated. I was hurt, I was broken, I was sad beyond belief. I couldnt function and all I wanted to do was cry. I felt that I was useless, I felt that I was not worthy of someone's love and it sent me into a tailspin.

You see, I am a very independant person. I have never relied on a man for anything in my life and for whatever reason when this relationship didnt work out as planned, it crushed me. I was very jaded on the thought of another relationship so I drank more than I am now proud of and did some things I am even less proud of... but the fact of the matter is, that's my past. I dont live there anymore.

Somehow in the mist of dancing on pianos and doing Jager shots, God was talking to me. He was telling me that I am better than all that. He was telling me that is no way for me to live my life. He was telling me that I am loved by Him, even if I wasnt loved by that boyfriend or that father anymore.

As you know... I grew up Catholic. We were pretty religious in the sence of going to church every Sunday and memorizing prayers but as I went through my divorce, I realized that it wasnt the place for me anymore. I did a little research and started going to a Lutheran church where I met some amazing people... but I felt like I was going through the motions. One of the ladies I met introduced me to another Christian church and it was that day that I gave my life to Christ. I always felt like I knew Him, but the truth of the matter is I knew religion... I knew rules. I knew traditions. But I didnt know Him. I didnt have a relationship with Him that I do today.

My life is at a place of peace... my life isnt perfect, but with Him beside me I can get through it. It was by God's grace that we dealt with my mom's cancer as we did. It was by God's grace that I met my husband and he has now started a walk with Jesus as well. It is by God's grace that I am raising some God-loving children.

I couldnt do it on my own... I had to give it to God for the pieces to fall in place. I'm not saying it was easy... there was a lot of times (and still times) that I want control. I want to do things my way... and that's when things start to fall apart. I have to remember that God has a plan for me. I have to trust and be faithful. By accepting Jesus into my heart, I dont need the rules and traditions and whatnot that religion brings. Those rules and traditions lead to depression and anxiety. Those rules and traditions lead to feelings of unworthiness. That's not what God's love is about, He wants us to be happy.

So for my friend... I pray that he sits back and listens for God. That still small voice will lead him to where he should be, I just know it. Giving it to God isnt easy, but its so worth it.

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